First, there’s this guy he’s had my attention since April of last year. We are supposed to be finally getting together in the very near future. As excited as I am, I’m also terrified as hell. The fact that I do like him so much and I’m not sure how exactly he feels about me. Like I know he likes me but I want to work towards a relationship with him. I haven’t wanted something so bad in a good while. When I go to see him I don’t want to rush him or bombard him with thoughts and feelings. I’m always so cool about things I really don’t know how to express my true feelings with anyone and when I do it is either too late or unappreciated. Right now I want to call and vent about everything that is on my mind but he’s in college and its his second week back after taking off a semester and I know that he needs to focus on his school but I would really love to hear his voice or read a text from him that everything is going to be ok.
Second, my mama has been in the hospital for a little over a month. She went for a bedsore and it just seems like something else is wrong EVERYDAY! It’s so hard for me to deal with this. I feel like I need to be strong and I know I need to be patient and keep my faith and trust in the Lord but I just can’t help but to wonder why this is happening to her. I just don’t understand and it may not be meant for me to understand but I just want my mama home and back to herself. It’s so hard trying to deal with all of this. Sometimes I feel like I’m alone and have no one to talk to which I know I do but I just have to find a way to open up to people and quit holding everything inside. Today the doctor told us that they believe my mama has been having mini strokes. I don’t know how serious that is…I know a person who is doing great after those however it’s just scary as hell. Coming into her room and she’s just slumped over in the bed not talking, sleeping and crying a lot is just hard to see. Although she has made progress in the past couple of days her confusion and slow slurred speech is heartbreaking and a major tearjerker for me. All I know is to just keep praying and believing that she WILL be OK and that she WILL WALK AGAIN.
Last thing, my uncle is suffering from cancer. My other uncle passed away in March from the same type of cancer. They’ve basically told my uncle that if he takes treatments it will only shrink his masses and extend his time here but if he were to refuse treatment he would only have about 3 months. I believe that we serve a powerful healing God and that whatever shall come to pass will be his will. However, he’s said that he’s pretty much accepted his fate. I really hope that God spares his life and allows him to continue living. He just got saved and I want to believe that God isn’t through with him yet. It was hard when my Uncle Bo died even though we were expecting it I just don’t want to live through that again.
Sidebar: I’ve been going back and forth about making up with my cousin like its her fault we aren’t talking but I just think that it’s been long enough that we haven’t been talking. We are family for goodness sake and we know first hand that life is too damn short for us to be fighting over petty ish like we are. However, I’m not mad at her she was mad at us and I don’t know if she’s gotten over it or if she’s still holding a grudge like I know she has the tendency to do.
So yesterday I participated in some semi messy behavior. A former boo of mine posted a status along the lines of “He’s gonna be single because he can’t trust no one” which is funny to me because after me is when he decides he’s ready for a relationship after 2 years of telling me he wasn’t ready for one. *messy behavior alert* I liked the status. Kind of as a reminder that had he chose to be with me for real and not hide his feelings he probably wouldn’t be going through that because despite him not wanting a relationship I was loyal and stood by him and was damn good to him. Anyway this was just the beginning of the disaster that was my day yesterday.
“A” from my previous pll&h posts decided to send me a text saying and I quote
“Hey I just hooked up with someone who is gonna change my life…Thank u for being there but she has my heart now…Good luck on your endeavors with finding a man…U always got a friend in me”
I was shocked so I read it again… I was really hurt honestly like a part of me wanted to cry I guess because my feelings were hurt. Mainly because I felt led on from the beginning but then I was upset kinda like how and why would you do this to me but as rationale set in then I was like well at least he sent me a message to cease communication. I sent the message to my cousin and she was pissed more upset than me really. The only thing that really kept me from crying was being in a room full of my family most importantly 3 of my male cousins one of whom is my ride or die. Anyway my cousin had to console me via text smh my hurt ass feelings lol. Something told me that that little situation wasn’t going to work out because every other day we wouldn’t talk or his ass would be standoffish which he attributed to being busy (ah hell sounds very similar to the guy mentioned above always busy with shit to show for it) but then the very next day he all in my inbox though I also had a bad vibe when the conversation was about nothing but sex for a whole day. I just think there were a lot of flags I notice now. Its all good glad I didnt buy the dream he was selling and that this ended before it got started good. Initially I came on my dash to delete the posts I had made about him but then I realized it’s all a part of my story and I can’t delete it. So they will stay as a reminder of what was…
Anyway this situation led me to the above status. Whenever I get in my feelings my mind turns to Jeremiah (1st paragraph) I’m pretty certain I was in love with him. I mean despite us never officially being in a relationship we talked about marriage and kids the whole nine. So now I think that when I see myself married with children it’s only with him because I had that set in my mind as the future I wanted. He was the first person I truly had those feelings for and now hes the only one I think of having a future with even if it’s not bound to happen. I let him go for the simple fact of “if you love something let it go…” I think a part of me still hopes we could make it work but I don’t think that will ever happen unless he admits that he cared for me more than he ever admitted.
Anyway all of this in turn led me to the second half of the status. What I’m not here for and how I expect to be approached and treated. I’m not anybody’s side chick, you can’t not know me in public but be in my inbox tryna fuck me. I’m not a blow up doll… we ain’t chillin. We go on dates… We ain’t talking for the hell of it. Talking is a progressive stage that leads to dating if you don’t see it heading that way don’t “talk” to me. I’m too old for games but not yet ready for marriage. I want a consistent significant other someone I can build with. I don’t need stagnant people in my life. I may not have a job but I have a lot going for me. At this point in my life I want a man that is either in school working towards a degree, has a degree and job or has a degree and looking for a job; his own car & no kids I can’t expect anything more than that because that’s all that I have at this time but I’m working towards a better future for myself and want that in a man also. Currently I’m not taking applications or resumes for the challenging job of being my sig other but hopefully God sees fit to send me a great man that is chasing after him. I hope he’s heavy & handsome, beefy & bearded and TALL 🙂 lol
This was longer than expected…
So really only my best friend knows that I’ve been trying out online dating because the guys I attract around here are liars, bums or just all around no good or ugly. So anyway my makeup looked real good yesterday and I decided to take and upload some new pics on my profile. Hits had been super slow so I said why not. Anyway so I got a few hits yesterday and I had been talking to this one particular guy who we will call A. At first I was a little apprehensive but he came at me respectably answer conversed so I decided to give him my number after some self deliberation. So I get a text that says “here’s your text boo” followed by one that said “this is your future boyfriend” as sketch as that may seem it was pretty cute. So he calls me today and we talked to a good 45 mins he seems to have his head on straight he was telling be about some problems he was having at his job basically discrimination and I talked about job woes or lack of job woes I guess. He was so encouraging and he definitely has a plan for his life.
He lives like an hr and a half away so I don’t know if this is going to go anywhere but just having him as a friend is good for now. He says he gonna come see me and that he can’t wait. I’m slightly excited myself but I’m trying to contain it. But getting to know someone can be so exciting!
I look forward to making follow ups to this entry!