I was just thinking about some things.
First of all… When someone shows you their true colors believe them. No one knows themselves better than them so when they show you that they’re an asshole or rude or great or whatever characteristic believe them. Don’t shrug it off or charge it to the game. If you see a red flag notice it, take note of it and if it pops up again govern yourself accordingly.
Secondly, when a man tells you he’s not ready for a relationship believe his ass and don’t stick around waiting for him to realize how great you are. Realize how great you are for yourself, believe that man and move on to the next. Also, more often than not when a man tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship what they really mean is that they aren’t ready for a relationship with you and most likely never will be. Take that L which will probably actually end up eventually a mark in the W category and move forward. Don’t take offense if this person immediately or shortly thereafter ends up in a relationship with someone else. Just be glad that hopefully you didn’t allow yourself to be a place holder or a stepping stone for the next chick that comes along. Most importantly DO NOT compare yourself to this other woman.
Thirdly, don’t fall in love with potential. Fall in love with a person as they are not as what they have the potential to be because until they realize that potential on their own they can’t be or see what they have the potential to be. Also, refer back to the second note regarding true colors. Another thing with this is not to fall in love with the fantasy you have built around a person. Take a second to remove those rose colored glasses that you’re wearing that is making this person seem like they could walk on water. It’s OK, everyone has flaws we just have to choose which ones we can and cannot live with. Now I’m not saying that a person can’t be great I’m just saying sometimes we sell ourselves a dream and try to insert this person into it. Be careful with this.
So yesterday I participated in some semi messy behavior. A former boo of mine posted a status along the lines of “He’s gonna be single because he can’t trust no one” which is funny to me because after me is when he decides he’s ready for a relationship after 2 years of telling me he wasn’t ready for one. *messy behavior alert* I liked the status. Kind of as a reminder that had he chose to be with me for real and not hide his feelings he probably wouldn’t be going through that because despite him not wanting a relationship I was loyal and stood by him and was damn good to him. Anyway this was just the beginning of the disaster that was my day yesterday.
“A” from my previous pll&h posts decided to send me a text saying and I quote
“Hey I just hooked up with someone who is gonna change my life…Thank u for being there but she has my heart now…Good luck on your endeavors with finding a man…U always got a friend in me”
I was shocked so I read it again… I was really hurt honestly like a part of me wanted to cry I guess because my feelings were hurt. Mainly because I felt led on from the beginning but then I was upset kinda like how and why would you do this to me but as rationale set in then I was like well at least he sent me a message to cease communication. I sent the message to my cousin and she was pissed more upset than me really. The only thing that really kept me from crying was being in a room full of my family most importantly 3 of my male cousins one of whom is my ride or die. Anyway my cousin had to console me via text smh my hurt ass feelings lol. Something told me that that little situation wasn’t going to work out because every other day we wouldn’t talk or his ass would be standoffish which he attributed to being busy (ah hell sounds very similar to the guy mentioned above always busy with shit to show for it) but then the very next day he all in my inbox though I also had a bad vibe when the conversation was about nothing but sex for a whole day. I just think there were a lot of flags I notice now. Its all good glad I didnt buy the dream he was selling and that this ended before it got started good. Initially I came on my dash to delete the posts I had made about him but then I realized it’s all a part of my story and I can’t delete it. So they will stay as a reminder of what was…
Anyway this situation led me to the above status. Whenever I get in my feelings my mind turns to Jeremiah (1st paragraph) I’m pretty certain I was in love with him. I mean despite us never officially being in a relationship we talked about marriage and kids the whole nine. So now I think that when I see myself married with children it’s only with him because I had that set in my mind as the future I wanted. He was the first person I truly had those feelings for and now hes the only one I think of having a future with even if it’s not bound to happen. I let him go for the simple fact of “if you love something let it go…” I think a part of me still hopes we could make it work but I don’t think that will ever happen unless he admits that he cared for me more than he ever admitted.
Anyway all of this in turn led me to the second half of the status. What I’m not here for and how I expect to be approached and treated. I’m not anybody’s side chick, you can’t not know me in public but be in my inbox tryna fuck me. I’m not a blow up doll… we ain’t chillin. We go on dates… We ain’t talking for the hell of it. Talking is a progressive stage that leads to dating if you don’t see it heading that way don’t “talk” to me. I’m too old for games but not yet ready for marriage. I want a consistent significant other someone I can build with. I don’t need stagnant people in my life. I may not have a job but I have a lot going for me. At this point in my life I want a man that is either in school working towards a degree, has a degree and job or has a degree and looking for a job; his own car & no kids I can’t expect anything more than that because that’s all that I have at this time but I’m working towards a better future for myself and want that in a man also. Currently I’m not taking applications or resumes for the challenging job of being my sig other but hopefully God sees fit to send me a great man that is chasing after him. I hope he’s heavy & handsome, beefy & bearded and TALL 🙂 lol
This was longer than expected…