Tag Archive | Dating

Complacency, Titles & Situationships

The ever present debate on titles. Childish Gambino on Heartbeat says “Are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something in between that?”  Everyone wants to believe that titles complicate and confuse things when the complete opposite is true. Titles define things and I think people that don’t believe in titles are afraid of defined lines and boundaries within their situations. This leads to situationships.   So you may be wondering what exactly is a situationship. Granted the red squiggly lines are under it as I type but it is a word that has recently been used to describe the gray area between friendships, relationships and a friends with benefits situation. Essentially it can be defined as when two people started as friends, progress into more and essentially have all the perks of a relationship except the titles.

Titles… there’s that word again. Two questions. 1. Why are we afraid to put a title on our dealings? 2. Why are we so complacent in these situationships? My theory is we are afraid to put a title on something because that gives what we’re doing meaning, boundaries and rules. We have to accept that this other person actually means something to us and take responsibility for actions we may take that will have consequences attached. Giving a person a title means there are feelings and strings attached. These days it’s all about no strings attached, not catching feelings and not “loving these hoes.” So here comes another question… Why are we so afraid of love? If I love somebody I’m gonna let them know. However, I do believe that this technological age is partly to blame. If we express ourselves in a manner that exhibits “thirst” we could possibly see ourselves on the latest social network as the latest victim of the oh so popular screen shot. Now I do believe that “the thirst is real” but if this is someone you are genuinely dealing with on a day to day basis and they’re expressing their feelings this is not thirst. Now if you’re getting this from unknown randoms then yes, the thirst is indeed real.

Complacency, now this is the bigger issue when it comes to women. Some of us feel the need to always have someone around, we are afraid to be alone. This leads to us being complacent with someone who isn’t quite what we need or hell maybe even someone we don’t even quite want. However, they are the place holder until the next one comes along that is a little better or a little closer to what we do want. So while we are waiting on the next best thing or even in most cases the person to change we find ourselves becoming complacent. The latter is a major problem. First of all, you can’t change a man unless they want to change themselves. This is a big thing that we as women must learn. If a man doesn’t want to change then they won’t so you’re wasting time there. Meanwhile the love of your life could be passing you by while you’re sitting here caught up in this idea that one day this man is going to realize what he has and either change, make you his lady or in some extreme cases his wife. To curb complacency sometimes there is a need for an ultimatum. Now listen if y’all been “talking” for a week and a half don’t go throwing an ultimatum out there talking about “so am I your girl or what? What are we doing here?” You should suppress the need to mention that for at least a month or two. He probably doesn’t even know your middle name yet lol so chill lil mama! On the other hand if y’all been getting to know each other for some months and you don’t really know where you stand you should count that as a yellow flag and proceed with caution. Some take longer than others but just to be a girlfriend it shouldn’t take that long to decide if you’re gf material.

Complacency at a higher level . So you’re the girl friend now, how long do you wait around to become the wife? I think this kinda depends on age. But regardless it shouldn’t take a decade for y’all to get married if you’re the one he’ll know. I recently read that some ladies become permanent girlfriends because they play “wifey.”  I don’t really like to be called wifey or wifey material. I’m your girl, girlfriend or even lady but don’t call me wifey and damn sure don’t call me your main. When I think wifey I think of that State Farm commercial with the fisherman in the boutique, “not quite.” They want you to believe you’re more than a girlfriend but you’re not quite the wife. Now if you’re married and he refers to you as wifey that’s different you got the bands! Anyway, yeah so you play wifey… spend the night, cook , clean , do laundry etc. What’s he looking forward to when you get married? Now I struggle with this because as a cancer I’m naturally nurturing but I do this with everyone, even in college I cooked dinner for my friends biweekly. You get torn because you want to show them that you can be a good wife but you don’t want them to take you for granted and think they don’t need to marry you because you’re always going to be there to do these things.

I know you were probably expecting a list of recommendations on how to avoid this but yeah, I’m young myself and haven’t quite come up with the answer yet. The things I have learned is trust your gut, take note of the red and yellow flags and govern yourself accordingly, define relationships and give titles so no one is confused. No one wants to give titles until a boundary is crossed that makes you feel some type of way that you thought was implied. Go with the flow if you want, but as for me we need to sit down and discuss what we’re doing? I don’t have time to be wondering, I did that before I need to see where you’re going to fit into my 5 year plan and if I need to write your name in pencil or pen haha! Anyway, bottom line is Don’t become complacent! 

A Realization

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So yesterday I participated in some semi messy behavior. A former boo of mine posted a status along the lines of “He’s gonna be single because he can’t trust no one” which is funny to me because after me is when he decides he’s ready for a relationship after 2 years of telling me he wasn’t ready for one. *messy behavior alert* I liked the status. Kind of as a reminder that had he chose to be with me for real and not hide his feelings he probably wouldn’t be going through that because despite him not wanting a relationship I was loyal and stood by him and was damn good to him. Anyway this was just the beginning of the disaster that was my day yesterday.

“A” from my previous pll&h posts decided to send me a text saying and I quote

“Hey I just hooked up with someone who is gonna change my life…Thank u for being there but she has my heart now…Good luck on your endeavors with finding a man…U always got a friend in me”

I was shocked so I read it again… I was really hurt honestly like a part of me wanted to cry I guess because my feelings were hurt. Mainly because I felt led on from the beginning but then I was upset kinda like how and why would you do this to me but as rationale set in then I was like well at least he sent me a message to cease communication. I sent the message to my cousin and she was pissed more upset than me really. The only thing that really kept me from crying was being in a room full of my family most importantly 3 of my male cousins one of whom is my ride or die. Anyway my cousin had to console me via text smh my hurt ass feelings lol. Something told me that that little situation wasn’t going to work out because every other day we wouldn’t talk or his ass would be standoffish which he attributed to being busy (ah hell sounds very similar to the guy mentioned above always busy with shit to show for it) but then the very next day he all in my inbox though I also had a bad vibe when the conversation was about nothing but sex for a whole day. I just think there were a lot of flags I notice now. Its all good glad I didnt buy the dream he was selling and that this ended before it got started good. Initially I came on my dash to delete the posts I had made about him but then I realized it’s all a part of my story and I can’t delete it. So they will stay as a reminder of what was…
Anyway this situation led me to the above status. Whenever I get in my feelings my mind turns to Jeremiah (1st paragraph) I’m pretty certain I was in love with him. I mean despite us never officially being in a relationship we talked about marriage and kids the whole nine. So now I think that when I see myself married with children it’s only with him because I had that set in my mind as the future I wanted. He was the first person I truly had those feelings for and now hes the only one I think of having a future with even if it’s not bound to happen. I let him go for the simple fact of “if you love something let it go…” I think a part of me still hopes we could make it work but I don’t think that will ever happen unless he admits that he cared for me more than he ever admitted.
Anyway all of this in turn led me to the second half of the status. What I’m not here for and how I expect to be approached and treated. I’m not anybody’s side chick, you can’t not know me in public but be in my inbox tryna fuck me. I’m not a blow up doll… we ain’t chillin. We go on dates… We ain’t talking for the hell of it. Talking is a progressive stage that leads to dating if you don’t see it heading that way don’t “talk” to me. I’m too old for games but not yet ready for marriage. I want a consistent significant other someone I can build with. I don’t need stagnant people in my life. I may not have a job but I have a lot going for me. At this point in my life I want a man that is either in school working towards a degree, has a degree and job or has a degree and looking for a job; his own car & no kids I can’t expect anything more than that because that’s all that I have at this time but I’m working towards a better future for myself and want that in a man also. Currently I’m not taking applications or resumes for the challenging job of being my sig other but hopefully God sees fit to send me a great man that is chasing after him. I hope he’s heavy & handsome, beefy & bearded and TALL 🙂 lol

This was longer than expected…