First, there’s this guy he’s had my attention since April of last year. We are supposed to be finally getting together in the very near future. As excited as I am, I’m also terrified as hell. The fact that I do like him so much and I’m not sure how exactly he feels about me. Like I know he likes me but I want to work towards a relationship with him. I haven’t wanted something so bad in a good while. When I go to see him I don’t want to rush him or bombard him with thoughts and feelings. I’m always so cool about things I really don’t know how to express my true feelings with anyone and when I do it is either too late or unappreciated. Right now I want to call and vent about everything that is on my mind but he’s in college and its his second week back after taking off a semester and I know that he needs to focus on his school but I would really love to hear his voice or read a text from him that everything is going to be ok.
Second, my mama has been in the hospital for a little over a month. She went for a bedsore and it just seems like something else is wrong EVERYDAY! It’s so hard for me to deal with this. I feel like I need to be strong and I know I need to be patient and keep my faith and trust in the Lord but I just can’t help but to wonder why this is happening to her. I just don’t understand and it may not be meant for me to understand but I just want my mama home and back to herself. It’s so hard trying to deal with all of this. Sometimes I feel like I’m alone and have no one to talk to which I know I do but I just have to find a way to open up to people and quit holding everything inside. Today the doctor told us that they believe my mama has been having mini strokes. I don’t know how serious that is…I know a person who is doing great after those however it’s just scary as hell. Coming into her room and she’s just slumped over in the bed not talking, sleeping and crying a lot is just hard to see. Although she has made progress in the past couple of days her confusion and slow slurred speech is heartbreaking and a major tearjerker for me. All I know is to just keep praying and believing that she WILL be OK and that she WILL WALK AGAIN.
Last thing, my uncle is suffering from cancer. My other uncle passed away in March from the same type of cancer. They’ve basically told my uncle that if he takes treatments it will only shrink his masses and extend his time here but if he were to refuse treatment he would only have about 3 months. I believe that we serve a powerful healing God and that whatever shall come to pass will be his will. However, he’s said that he’s pretty much accepted his fate. I really hope that God spares his life and allows him to continue living. He just got saved and I want to believe that God isn’t through with him yet. It was hard when my Uncle Bo died even though we were expecting it I just don’t want to live through that again.
Sidebar: I’ve been going back and forth about making up with my cousin like its her fault we aren’t talking but I just think that it’s been long enough that we haven’t been talking. We are family for goodness sake and we know first hand that life is too damn short for us to be fighting over petty ish like we are. However, I’m not mad at her she was mad at us and I don’t know if she’s gotten over it or if she’s still holding a grudge like I know she has the tendency to do.