You’re Not a “Plan B” Kind of Girl

Ashlin Boyles

DeathtoStock_Spring7You deserve better than someone who is afraid to commit to you. It may seem like enough for now. You’re just taking things slow. Oh, how I know those little phrases of “one day” and we just need time.

You believe them.
And I’ve believed them.

But you’re not a plan B kind of girl.

You need to know that you’re not the invisible one standing in the back who gets chosen last.

You’re the girl who the team captain will be frantically hoping doesn’t get picked by someone else before he gets a turn. You’re a first-pick kind of girl. And no one worth having sits back and lets those girls wait around.

‘Cause every good man knows that the good ones get gone fast.

He should be jumping out of his skin in anticipation to call out your name and say “I pick you.”

“But he’s…

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A Few Things…

First, there’s this guy he’s had my attention since April of last year. We are supposed to be finally getting together in the very near future. As excited as I am, I’m also terrified as hell. The fact that I do like him so much and I’m not sure how exactly he feels about me. Like I know he likes me but I want to work towards a relationship with him. I haven’t wanted something so bad in a good while. When I go to see him I don’t want to rush him or bombard him with thoughts and feelings. I’m always so cool about things I really don’t know how to express my true feelings with anyone and when I do it is either too late or unappreciated. Right now I want to call and vent about everything that is on my mind but he’s in college and its his second week back after taking off a semester and I know that he needs to focus on his school but I would really love to hear his voice or read a text from him that everything is going to be ok.

Second, my mama has been in the hospital for a little over a month. She went for a bedsore and it just seems like something else is wrong EVERYDAY! It’s so hard for me to deal with this. I feel like I need to be strong and I know I need to be patient and keep my faith and trust in the Lord but I just can’t help but to wonder why this is happening to her. I just don’t understand and it may not be meant for me to understand but I just want my mama home and back to herself. It’s so hard trying to deal with all of this. Sometimes I feel like I’m alone and have no one to talk to which I know I do but I just have to find a way to open up to people and quit holding everything inside. Today the doctor told us that they believe my mama has been having mini strokes. I don’t know how serious that is…I know a person who is doing great after those however it’s just scary as hell. Coming into her room and she’s just slumped over in the bed not talking, sleeping and crying a lot is just hard to see. Although she has made progress in the past couple of days her confusion and slow slurred speech is heartbreaking and a major tearjerker for me. All I know is to just keep praying and believing that she WILL be OK and that she WILL WALK AGAIN.

Last thing, my uncle is suffering from cancer. My other uncle passed away in March from the same type of cancer. They’ve basically told my uncle that if he takes treatments it will only shrink his masses and extend his time here but if he were to refuse treatment he would only have about 3 months. I believe that we serve a powerful healing God and that whatever shall come to pass will be his will. However, he’s said that he’s pretty much accepted his fate. I really hope that God spares his life and allows him to continue living. He just got saved and I want to believe that God isn’t through with him yet. It was hard when my Uncle Bo died even though we were expecting it I just don’t want to live through that again.

Sidebar: I’ve been going back and forth about making up with my cousin like its her fault we aren’t talking but I just think that it’s been long enough that we haven’t been talking. We are family for goodness sake and we know first hand that life is too damn short for us to be fighting over petty ish like we are. However, I’m not mad at her she was mad at us and I don’t know if she’s gotten over it or if she’s still holding a grudge like I know she has the tendency to do.

Complacency, Titles & Situationships

The ever present debate on titles. Childish Gambino on Heartbeat says “Are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something in between that?”  Everyone wants to believe that titles complicate and confuse things when the complete opposite is true. Titles define things and I think people that don’t believe in titles are afraid of defined lines and boundaries within their situations. This leads to situationships.   So you may be wondering what exactly is a situationship. Granted the red squiggly lines are under it as I type but it is a word that has recently been used to describe the gray area between friendships, relationships and a friends with benefits situation. Essentially it can be defined as when two people started as friends, progress into more and essentially have all the perks of a relationship except the titles.

Titles… there’s that word again. Two questions. 1. Why are we afraid to put a title on our dealings? 2. Why are we so complacent in these situationships? My theory is we are afraid to put a title on something because that gives what we’re doing meaning, boundaries and rules. We have to accept that this other person actually means something to us and take responsibility for actions we may take that will have consequences attached. Giving a person a title means there are feelings and strings attached. These days it’s all about no strings attached, not catching feelings and not “loving these hoes.” So here comes another question… Why are we so afraid of love? If I love somebody I’m gonna let them know. However, I do believe that this technological age is partly to blame. If we express ourselves in a manner that exhibits “thirst” we could possibly see ourselves on the latest social network as the latest victim of the oh so popular screen shot. Now I do believe that “the thirst is real” but if this is someone you are genuinely dealing with on a day to day basis and they’re expressing their feelings this is not thirst. Now if you’re getting this from unknown randoms then yes, the thirst is indeed real.

Complacency, now this is the bigger issue when it comes to women. Some of us feel the need to always have someone around, we are afraid to be alone. This leads to us being complacent with someone who isn’t quite what we need or hell maybe even someone we don’t even quite want. However, they are the place holder until the next one comes along that is a little better or a little closer to what we do want. So while we are waiting on the next best thing or even in most cases the person to change we find ourselves becoming complacent. The latter is a major problem. First of all, you can’t change a man unless they want to change themselves. This is a big thing that we as women must learn. If a man doesn’t want to change then they won’t so you’re wasting time there. Meanwhile the love of your life could be passing you by while you’re sitting here caught up in this idea that one day this man is going to realize what he has and either change, make you his lady or in some extreme cases his wife. To curb complacency sometimes there is a need for an ultimatum. Now listen if y’all been “talking” for a week and a half don’t go throwing an ultimatum out there talking about “so am I your girl or what? What are we doing here?” You should suppress the need to mention that for at least a month or two. He probably doesn’t even know your middle name yet lol so chill lil mama! On the other hand if y’all been getting to know each other for some months and you don’t really know where you stand you should count that as a yellow flag and proceed with caution. Some take longer than others but just to be a girlfriend it shouldn’t take that long to decide if you’re gf material.

Complacency at a higher level . So you’re the girl friend now, how long do you wait around to become the wife? I think this kinda depends on age. But regardless it shouldn’t take a decade for y’all to get married if you’re the one he’ll know. I recently read that some ladies become permanent girlfriends because they play “wifey.”  I don’t really like to be called wifey or wifey material. I’m your girl, girlfriend or even lady but don’t call me wifey and damn sure don’t call me your main. When I think wifey I think of that State Farm commercial with the fisherman in the boutique, “not quite.” They want you to believe you’re more than a girlfriend but you’re not quite the wife. Now if you’re married and he refers to you as wifey that’s different you got the bands! Anyway, yeah so you play wifey… spend the night, cook , clean , do laundry etc. What’s he looking forward to when you get married? Now I struggle with this because as a cancer I’m naturally nurturing but I do this with everyone, even in college I cooked dinner for my friends biweekly. You get torn because you want to show them that you can be a good wife but you don’t want them to take you for granted and think they don’t need to marry you because you’re always going to be there to do these things.

I know you were probably expecting a list of recommendations on how to avoid this but yeah, I’m young myself and haven’t quite come up with the answer yet. The things I have learned is trust your gut, take note of the red and yellow flags and govern yourself accordingly, define relationships and give titles so no one is confused. No one wants to give titles until a boundary is crossed that makes you feel some type of way that you thought was implied. Go with the flow if you want, but as for me we need to sit down and discuss what we’re doing? I don’t have time to be wondering, I did that before I need to see where you’re going to fit into my 5 year plan and if I need to write your name in pencil or pen haha! Anyway, bottom line is Don’t become complacent! 

Random Thoughts pt II

So why is it when a black woman decides she has certain standards or has compiled a “list” of qualifications she needs to lower them or take some things off to get a man. We are encouraged to stick with a man that isn’t successful even if we are successful in our own right. But a black man that is successful is discouraged from doing the same. A successful woman that is looking for a man that is just as successful is often times told that she will have to settle, that she won’t find a man that meets all of her standards and that she should accept that fact. I fail to believe that. I believe that if I as a woman first and a black woman secondly can manage to be successful in a worlds where women in general aren’t seen as equals then why shouldn’t I expect my spouse or significant other to be successful as well. Also a black woman is expected to stick with the broke black man and encourage him and be strong and supportive. All fine and well but “when he gets on and leave your ass for a white girl” why is that encouraged? Like I understand that white women were forbidden and all that and naturally you want that forbidden fruit but for some men to think they haven’t reached their peak until they have a white woman I don’t understand that.

For me I could never see myself marrying a person outside of my race and it isn’t because I’m a racist nor am I prejudiced against other races. It’s just that when I think about walking down the aisle I see a strong handsome black man at the altar waiting on me. I’m still young and this could change (I doubt it but anything could happen) but this is what I envision. I see us being married and then starting a family. I loathe the stereotype of baby mothers so I want a husband then a child. I’m the type of woman that is willing to stand by a man through it all and be loyal and be the strong woman, wife and mother like my mom. Now when I see a black man with a white woman a part of me wishes I were seeing him with a black woman but it doesn’t bother me enough to say anything the thought doesn’t even leave my head. I don’t know these people or their background so who am I to judge them. Now where the problem lies is when a man says oh I only date white women, I’d never date a black woman. That baffles me now I know I said I could never see me dating outside my race and that might make me seem hypocritical but really? You came from a black woman, who came from a black woman. Then again some of these black women you see aren’t all that appealing. We have to quit perpetuating stereotypes and just focus on being successful and better than those stereotypes that are seen everywhere.

I think I kinda got off on a tangent when I started this second paragraph. but one question I have is Are black men scared or intimidated by the educated successful black woman? I may make a separate post on this later.

Random Thoughts pt I

I was just thinking about some things.

First of all… When someone shows you their true colors believe them. No one knows themselves better than them so when they show you that they’re an asshole or rude or great or whatever characteristic believe them. Don’t shrug it off or charge it to the game. If you see a red flag notice it, take note of it and if it pops up again govern yourself accordingly.

Secondly, when a man tells you he’s not ready for a relationship believe his ass and don’t stick around waiting for him to realize how great you are. Realize how great you are for yourself, believe that man and move on to the next. Also, more often than not when a man tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship what they really mean is that they aren’t ready for a relationship with you and most likely never will be. Take that L which will probably actually end up eventually a mark in the W category and move forward. Don’t take offense if this person immediately or shortly thereafter ends up in a relationship with someone else. Just be glad that hopefully you didn’t allow yourself to be a place holder or a stepping stone for the next chick that comes along. Most importantly DO NOT compare yourself to this other woman.

Thirdly, don’t fall in love with potential. Fall in love with a person as they are not as what they have the potential to be because until they realize that potential on their own they can’t be or see what they have the potential to be. Also, refer back to the second note regarding true colors. Another thing with this is not to fall in love with the fantasy you have built around a person. Take a second to remove those rose colored glasses that you’re wearing that is making this person seem like they could walk on water. It’s OK, everyone has flaws we just have to choose which ones we can and cannot live with. Now I’m not saying that a person can’t be great I’m just saying sometimes we sell ourselves a dream and try to insert this person into it. Be careful with this.

King Bey

So I’m late on this post because I’ve been going through some things lately and haven’t had the time to sit down and blog here. But anyway I digress… Beyonce Giselle Knowles Carter is a BADDDDD BISHH! Seriously? Who drops a surprise album with an IG post with a link to ITunes. That girl is bad! Beyhive is tripping and stanning out. Meanwhile the haters are in full effect with this new release. I’m in love! I love this album! My favorite songs so far are Drunk in Love, Partition, Rocket & Flawless! However I enjoy the whole thing and I love hearing Blue Ivy Carter at the end of Blue! This visual album is EVERYTHING!!! Please purchase and listen! Bey is getting “grown on this album and dare I say a little bit ratchet and I love this side of her. She makes me wanna get some platinum diamond encrusted bottoms from Paul Wall!

Beyhive stand up! Hey Mrs. Carter!

Dreams, Aspirations

So for the longest time I’ve had 3 businesses that I want to own. The first being a plus size boutique. I don’t know if you can tell from my picture but I am a plus size woman I can wear anything from a 16-22, 24 depending on the cut. Anyway knowing the struggle of finding cute plus size clothes that are reasonably priced but still made out of durable material I’ve always wanted to open a plus size boutique. I may want to do a line in the future but I think for starters it would be good to open a boutique where ladies can find stylish clothes that don’t look like grandma’s house dress or something that John Travolta wore in Hairspray. 

I want to have clothes that could be worn out to the club or on a date, work, church etc. Basically an array of styles and sizes catered to the bigger women. I want to start with an online store using drop shipping first just to see how it would go and then go from there and move to having a storefront location. 

Job Hunt Update *again

So a friend of my family randomly called and told me about this job opening at a staffing agency! So I have an interview with them tomorrow! I don’t want to get too excited but I really am and nervous too but its recruiting which is what I want to do so I’m claiming this job. Also my graduation money is almost depleted so I really need a check I have bills (debt)! Anyway if you’re reading this pray for me the interview is at 4pm tomorrow. This would be a great start to get my foot into the HR door! 

Havana Marley Twist Using Crochet Method

I need to try this I was thinking about installing some more marley twists. This seems a little bit easier if I can get the crochet thing down…


I  love Havana Twist so I’ve been experimenting with different styles and methods. I’ve recently fallen in love with the Crochet Method, instead of applying the hair individually using the invisble method I braid my hair in corn rows then apply the crochet the hair in.

Time: After washing and braiding my hair total install 4-5hrs

Amount of Hair: Short Style: ( 4 packs cut in half) Longer Style (6 packs of hair)

YouTube Tutorial:

Instagram: ArtinaMarie


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Job Hunt update*

You ever had an interview and you’re so pumped up about the job then you get in the interview and you’re just like oh. Then afterwards you’re just like I don’t even know if I want this job anymore. That just happened to me. I had a phone interview with this company and for starters the interviewer called me 12 minutes late. I sent an email after 10 minutes had passed thinking that maybe we got our times mixed up or that maybe she had forgotten. I don’t know if I should’ve done that or not. Anyway, so once she does call she doesn’t apologize or explain why she is late… I feel like for sake of mutual respect I was owed that but then again I’m new to this corporate world and maybe that’s not how things go. So during the interview I feel almost as if she is antagonizing me, I didn’t get defensive but I’m thinking what in the h*ll in my head.  Anyway, we shall see if I hear back from her this evening for a face to face. In the meantime and in between time I will be applying for other jobs most definitely. One interview doesn’t mean a job and maybe this isn’t exactly what God has in store for me anyway.